John C Maxwell

'A man must be big enough to admit his mistakes, smart enough to profit from them, and strong enough to correct them.'

The joys of being an Undergraduate

Its weird coming onto my blog after being so in love the last time I wrote on here.

Stratch that...I am still in love. Just I wasn't enough. End of that story.

Reading how much effort I put into writing about him gives me this feeling, low in my stomach, like like its empty even though I've just ate, like its just deflating and giving up. I can be perfectly fine, walking and talking with friends and then I get a text from him. and there it goes...just pow. I'm back to feeling like I could crawl along the gutter after him. Everything around me doesn't matter anymore, i just want to read it as fast as I can in the hope, just maybe, he will say he loves me too.

Its weird writing about heartbreak. I love writing about happy feelings and emotions cause you can describe how everything around you glistens, how happy every step you take is.

Then all of a sudden its over, your partner wants to take a different path and your stuck at this massive crossroads. Do I follow him and hope he realises that actually he does need me and he wouldn't want to be without me, or do i take my own path and hope either he turns and follows me?

For the time being I'm just waiting, I'm trying to concentrate on the most important thing right now and that's university. Even that sucks. Everyone is in love, all the boys are complete jocks. I feel I cant escape just feeling like crap, i'm embracing it, and just wallowing in my self pity.

Even the university lecturers just want us to 'draw up our emotional baggage' as we 'cannot form therapeutic relationships even we are not aware of our own STUFF'. I don't want to. I'm already choking through the tears of past two weeks to even think of adding to it, thank you.

SO, i shall not be writing bout love any time soon. Just the joys of being an undergraduate at Worcester University, the fun of teenage life and good ol' family.

Hopefully I can get into writing blogs more often, I miss it.

You.

I open my eyes, the rooms bright. Its just how i love waking up, i know you hate it, but you leave it bright for me. We are snuggled beneath the covers in your king size bed. I reach out for you, I tickle my fingers down your shirtless body, your so warm and sleepy. Its just turning 8am but I dont want the alarm to go off. I want to be in the moment for ever, looking at you. The man who brought meaning into everything, my partner in crime. I just want stay in the moment of feeling so lucky to be able to watch your eyes flicker with so much effort as you try to wake yourself up.

I'm in love with you.

Its so easy to say, there's no need to hold back feelings, or tell myself this isn't going to work. For the first time in my life something is going right, im not messing it up, im not doing anything wrong. I've met a guy, we're falling in love and life couldn't be turning around any quicker.

Grown up.

I read my other blog, the first and cried. Only because in 2009 i was convinced i was a grown woman, someone who didn't get persuaded by what others think and what other people think i should be.
I wrote that blog on here and left, i have been using another blogging website but have came to find i would rather write on here, without anyone knowing i am...me. Alot has happened from when i wrote on here first, i've been in love twice, fell out of love once. I've failed a college course i was so passionate about. I've lost friends, family and gained some people truely wonderful.
Before i start updating this blog regularly i want to just revisit what i have wrote previously on this blog...
I have to admit i no long have to go out my way to search for happiness within my day, but i should write i have found it in the shape of a man. A beautiful man, 21 years old; spontaneous, confident, loving and most of all he is mine, to keep me happy when i feel glum.
I also wrote on my previous blog that 'I try to never give up on the good times and I don't think there should be ever anything to regret.' but i have. i think i have so many regrets that it is impossible to write them all, but this will come in time, i shall write and write and write and hopefully come to terms with all the mistakes i have made in the past two years, and get to grips with all the great thing to have happened to me since may 2011.

I guess that is why i am writing this blog. i have so may thing i want to talk about, but not to a particular person, not someone who can give me advice, not someone who will ring me up and say that i should talk about things. i just want to write, about life and know that somewhere in the world, someone is reading this, and maybe, just can relate to it and feel better.